So you ate something that came out of the far reaches of your microwave oven, or overlooked the small print that tells you the last day your pack of wings is edible. However you get it, theres no denying it when something normally solid becomes liquid, and it smells like the space between your toes times 1000. Congratulations, you have diarrhea.
And then you realize that you just spent your last penny on that HDTV you always wanted, or you’re just too lazy to walk that half mile to that clinic. Worry not, you don’t need to buy any medication for your forsaken condition. I was stricken by the curse recently and have learned the right way to treat it.
First off. Ground zero. This is the day when you beat the highscore of your mobile phone game inside a cubicle with earplugs in your nostrils, and vowed to add more reading material to your own toilet. Life suddenly sucks. You start to think of all the bad stuff that has befallen you. All you gotta do now is stop eating and start drinking. Start by drinking sips of water every ten minutes. The lack of food in your stomach should keep you away from that cubicle, your appetite has gone to Mexico anyway.
Day two! Nature doesn’t call you anymore. Good riddance. The only thing you can eat now is liquid. You are allowed to have: water, jelly, non-caffeinated tea/cola, clear broth/bouillon, popsicles, 7-Up, Sprite, Ginger Ale, diluted apple juice, performance sport drink diluted 50-50, and treat yourself with some hard candy. If you feel up to it, proceed to next step later that day.
Next: things that digest easy. On the list: saltines, plain toast (no butter or cream cheese, jelly is fine), hot cereal, clear soup with rice or noodles, and cold cereal without milk. Pick any of these to give you sustenance as you figure out how you’re gonna explain the smell to your boss. If you eat any of these and nature still doesn’t call, fantastic.
Sleeping at night seems a little less comfortable. Don’t worry, you’re well on your way to normal health. Indulge yourself in a light diet that consists of pasta, rice, plain baked potato, soft fruit applesauce or banana, canned fruit, cereal with skim milk, cooked vegetables, sherbet, frozen yogurt, plain baked meat/chicken. I know, I know. Not eating real food is hard. Deal with it.
It’s been a few days now. Keep at it, keep hope alive, never give up, live strong, etc. Once nature finally calls you back and apologizes, you can now gradually resume your regular eating habits. GRADUALLY. Limit fat intake until you’re completely well, eat small amounts of protein rich foods, and remember: water is life.
Now let me throw in a list of things you must AVOID AT ALL COSTS during your entire ordeal: dairy products, eggs, salads, anything fiber-rich, coffee, chocolate, caffeine, alcohol, spicy stuff, greasy stuff, fried stuff, and orange juice.
Sunlight never looked better, fresh air never tasted sweeter. You’re alive and kicking again, and you saved a few dollars. Pat yourself on the back, and pass along the knowledge.
P/S: If all else fails, just walk that damn half mile.