A step by step process of how to get some of that limelight on yourself. Its simple, really.

1. First, lose some weight till you’re 40-50kg. You gotta be slim slim slim!

2. Get a REAL Ah-beng haircut. For maximum ah-bengness, your hairstylist himself must be real ah-beng WITH a real ah-beng haircut.

3. Then dye it! Brown, blonde, streak, highlight, anything! Just make sure its not original color.

4. Sing a Josh Groban song in front of your mirror. Not sure if you can reach the high notes? Great! You’re all set!

5. Time to audition. But do not audition in KL. I recommend Penang or Ipoh, preferably Penang; And if you’re not from there, just pretend that you are. Use an English first name that Chinese-speaking people can easily pronounce. Eg. Vick, Andrew, Daniel, etc.

6. Present yourself well. Wear something an ah-beng would wear to the mall. Buy accessories from any pasar malam. By now, you should look something like this:

7. On the day of audition, keep calm and collected. No sudden movements, loud noises, or over-the-top facial expressions. Just keep cool. Do not do anything to draw too much attention to yourself. Blend in.

8. Choose a song that you like to sing. If asked why, just say ‘because very nice’ or something. Be sure not to sing too much, stop at the right time. And right after that say something innocent. ‘Sorry very nervous’ would be near perfection.

9. Before you know it, you’re in KL sitting around with the top 100. You must behave and speak like an ah-beng. For reference, observe Victor and Daniel on video or stalk them yourself, whichever you prefer.

10. Sing your favourite songs and put a very absorbed look while you’re at it. Pretend that you’re really into the song. Closing your eyes is a must, depending on the emotional level of the song.

Ah-beng songs are usually emo, so close your eyes more. In fact, when it gets climactic, pull all your muscles around your eyes.

11. Don’t look now, but you’re already in the top 30. By this time, your hair MUST be different. Trim it, re-color it, make it funkier, anything. Again, sing your favourite songs that ‘touches your heart’ or ‘move your spirit’ or whatever.

12. No matter what the judges say, just mutter a ‘thank you’. Unless, of course, they ask a question. Then you must think before you respond. Ah what the heck, just say ‘yeah’. When Paul Moss says something like ‘Ah, anyway, all the girls will love you’, it is a REALLY good sign.

13. Whoa, being top 10 seems to be a surprise for you. Remember to get all huggy and teary-eyed when the news breaks in.

14. Your performances from now on must be up to mark. That is why you must sing in a Chinese accent. Let the whole world think that you never learned English till you were fifteen.

15. Whenever Jien gives you a chance to say something, always thank your ‘fans’. Thank your voters like you’re in love with them.

16. Always smile! And whenever you bow, don’t to it professionally. See how Robbie Williams does it? Don’t imitate him, his showmanship is good.

17. IMPORTANT: Pretend you’re modest.

18. Sing your way up to the top 3. By then, you don’t have to worry about singing anymore. You just have to make the audience love you because of your flaws or hate you because other people love you. Either one will be fine. A mix will be good.

19. Watch with pleasure when Paul Moss gives a resigned look, wondering why the guy he keeps shooting down lasted this long.

20. Congratulations. You are now the next Malaysian Idol. If you ended up second or third, it means that there is still a bit of Western influence left in you. Oh well, you still get to sell albums with your name on it.

There you are. 20 easy steps. Here are some top-class graduates.

Daniel, the Malaysian Idol himself. Aww. don’t you just ‘love’ him?

Vick, who passed with flying colors. Just feel his ah-bengness oozing from him.

Victor, who has so much potential. Picture says it all.

Andrew, not a perfect example but did great anyway.

Oh, I forgot to mention that you have to be a Chinese lad for best results. Hmmm.. in that case, please vote for me if you see me on TV. Nyeks..:P

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